Ask Aryka | I’m having problems meeting people because they don’t think I “look gay”
I need some advice! So I’m 24 and live in Oklahoma which isn’t the most open and liberal place. I know that I’m gay and have known for a long time. I’ve recently started to come out. I’ve told most of my immediate family and the friends that I hang out with on a regular basis. The only thing is that no one thinks I’m gay! I can’t even count the number of times I’ve heard, “you are too pretty to be gay” and even at bars when I talk to girls it’s like they don’t believe me. Another problem I have is that I have no lesbian friends and anytime I go to the bar with my gay male friends everyone assumes I’m straight. All the lesbians seem to be so tight knit and not interested in making new friends. It’s so frustrating! I would love some advice! I love your blog and the work you do!
Thanks and Appreciate the Advice,
Hello and thank you for your submission! It seems like what you’re experiencing is a common case of “femme invisibility” (aka being ignored because you don’t look gay by societys standards). Alot of feminne lesbians have issues with meeting friends and romantic interest because no one identifies them as gay women. I think that in your case, the best thing to do may be to venture out to the local gay bar and be just be friendly with people. Start up a conversation with a compliment or a common interest. As crazy as this may sound, I met my first gay friend on Myspace and we’re still friends to this day. Don’t be hesitant to reach out to people via social networking sites. Remember to be friendly :-)
As far as dating goes, I would say that making more friends on the gay scene will help you meet a woman you may be interested in dating. I would also advise you to keep your gay wingmen close and hit all the clubs and bars you can. Establish yourself in the community and be forward with whoever you find attractive. You never know what can happen! I hope this advice helps. Be sure to let me know how it goes